Something I’ve not told anyone … and I think it’s probably time I get it off my chest and face it. Examine it. Try and figure out what it truly meant.

When Jim was in the hospital those 2 months before he passed away I discovered that he was still a member of several dating websites. I also found an email from his Father that encouraged Jim to join a gaming website called Second Life .. which I now know is notorious for people “hooking up” virtually. Whatever that means.

I mentioned it to him once .. when he was able to talk … and he said he was trying to find a good match for his friend. Of course I didn’t really believe him. But I said we would talk about it all when he got home.

After that conversation, Jim slept most of the time I visited. But was awake enough at nights when his dad was there or his mom was there to have conversations with them. Was he avoiding me?

Since then, I’ve always had this nagging suspicion that he wasn’t all together happy in our marriage. He did just go to London with his dad before getting ill. when he knew it was my dream to go back to Britan. I don’t think he knew how much that hurt me. To not ask if I wanted to go too.

I’ve had dreams since Jim died. Reoccurring ones where he knocks on the door one day and tells me he faked his death to get out of being married to me. That his dad talked him in to it. If I hadn’t been there holding his hand when he passed, I would have thought the dreams were real. It’s obvious this discovery of mine has been playing with my subconscious for a very long time. It’s probably why I am afraid to let anyone in to my life … well.. close enough where they can hurt me anyway.

This week Jim and I would have been married 21 years if he had lived. He’s been gone 12 of those years and while for the most part I’m no longer grieving that loss, I am still struggling with the what ifs. I will have no way at all of knowing what Jim’s true intentions were for being on dating websites, or why his father took him to London and encouraged him to look for suitable ladies on Second Life. His father and I don’t talk. We haven’t since the day Jim died. I’ve not wanted to face him because of my discovery, because part of me doesn’t WANT to know the truth.

And I guess that is my decision to live with. I need to find a way to move on, and stop telling myself that I am not worthy, that I’m not loveable. It’s the only way I’ll be able to be truly happy.

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