I am an All or Nothing personality type. This has been proven to me time and time again in personality test. I have to be 100% all in with my best effort, or I need to walk away. There is no getting things half way done for me. That’s why I am not doing well in this limbo state I find myself in. This loving of someone who can’t be what I need. Yes .. I allowed myself to fall for someone I met online. We’ve been talking since October, and our friendship grew. He became incredibly special to me and I thought he might have been the one to save me from hermithood. Things took a turn for the worst last week, when I found myself wishing for better communication and to be treated as a priority instead of an after thought. I had hoped he would have listened to what I was saying with promises to change. It didn’t happen – and I know it’s not fair of me to ask him to change. I don’t want him to change … nor do I want him to compromise himself because of my needs. I simply wish that we were exactly what the other needed.
I think today it’s finally hit that we’re not – that we probably will never be – what the other needs. And the fact he can’t see he’s done something wrong … that he continues to have the same behavior … tells me everything. I should not have been the one to say I’m sorry .. that I want to try to be friends again. But like the sap I am, I apologized for hurting him. Where is my apology in return? I don’t think I’m going to get it and I just can’t do this pretend friends thing. I can’t. It hurts too much to pretend I don’t care as deeply as I do.
I tried to listen to his radio program today. I got half way through before I started to tear up. Can’t cry at work … then people in my real world would see the state of destruction I am currently in. I am going to have to find another source of music that doesn’t remind me of him. It didn’t help every few songs was about heart break, liars, or one of my favorite songs. It’s messing with my head and my heart. I had to turn his show off, and turn off my Yahoo Messages, because staring at that all day hoping for one note that he’s thinking of me, knowing it’s never going to come, is just about the end of me.
Back to being a hermit for the time being. I think it’s what’s best. Till I go on my Cruise in October to escape reality – and clear my head. I don’t want to hear any more stupid love songs. Or sappy heart break songs. Where are all the happy songs filled with hope for the single person?