Do you ever dream dreams that are so real .. so vivid … that as you wake you think they are real? Or perhaps in that half awake – half sleep world you’re not sure what is real and what is not? OR perhaps you just want something so badly, that your subconscious makes it real for you?
It was when I was pregnant with my son that I had my first “night terror” – dreams that were so real to me I thought they were true. The first one happened after watching part of the movie “The Children Of The Corn”. I was staying with my parents as my son’s father was out at sea. I went to bed that night, and found myself awake standing in my parents room sometime later. I had convinced my parents that someone was in the attic access – which entered in to my room – and that they had come to steal the baby. My mother told me I was terrified. Then they realized I was still asleep. It happened again the following week, I dreamed that a giant spider was coming down from the ceiling with the intent to rip me open and gobble down my son. I am told I screamed – but I don’t recall. My doctor told me that night terrors were often brought on by hormone imbalance … and of course I was concerned for the baby. I’ve not really watched a horror movie since. Especially now that I live alone – can you imagine me having a night terror and waking in the middle of the street screaming?
A few weeks after Jim passed I had a night terror that was so bizarre. I don’t remember all the details – just that at some point Jim’s friend and I were in a helicopter that was crashing. I woke with my heart racing, pounding, and I thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I was once again terrified – and the feeling stayed with me several days. To the point I went to my doctor to make sure the palpitations were nothing more than anxiety.
Over the next few years of Jim passing, I had dreams around the theme that Jim is really still alive and living a new life. That I discover his life by accident and confront him only to find he didn’t want me any more. That he had faked his death to escape. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that he was alive – but experienced all the heartache of losing him again. And again. And again. You don’t need to be Freud to figure out these dreams center around my abandonment issues. I’ve not had one of these dreams in over a year – my dreams now center around HOPE.
For example, this year I’ve dreamed of the elusive “One” knocking on my front door hat in hand begging me to let him in the door. If I could only see his face … perhaps I could look for him in reality? Maybe subconsciously I do know who that person is and I’m not ready yet to find him. But there are times I wake and I swear I hear the doorbell ring. Someone call out my name. I wake up some mornings with tears streaming down my face, because I want it to be real. I want that person to be here NOW.
These dreams I say are the wishes the heart makes.
And last night … don’t laugh at me .. I dreamed of a cat. I woke up this morning because I heard that damn cat meowing to come inside. I could see her perfectly sitting on the back porch just waiting for me. When I got out of bed to see .. because I couldn’t understand why the image was so REAL .. I could smell a cat. I was fully awake. I looked outside, but I knew there would be no cat there. I almost searched the house … because the presence of that cat was so intense. I’ve almost convinced myself to drive to the Humane Society this afternoon to look for the cat. But I’m also kind of afraid I’ll find her. What if she’s there?! How freaky would that be. And what if I don’t go find her – what will happen then? I can barely take care of myself right now – how am I going to afford cat food and vet bills?
I think I’m going to have to go adopt a cat today.