gossip[1]I’ve discovered over the years that I am at my best when I have a puzzle to solve.  It gets my brain going, and I have an ability to see all sides of an issue to find the best solution possible.  It’s why I’m pretty good at my day job (if I do say so myself!)    For the most part I remain pretty objective, and the more data I have the better.   My personality type begs for more data … I’m a geek like that.  I laugh at myself sometimes over the amount of reasearch I do, and time I spend trying to solve the puzzle.  Many times the solution was so simple I didn’t need to go to all the fuss.  I think “Control” comes in to play as well.  I feel like the more information I have regarding a situation or problem, the more control I have over the outcome.  I have been called a control freak in the past.

I’m dealing with a few “puzzles” today – and my brain is on over drive.  It’s very difficult for me to focus on other tasks while I mull over possible solutions.  We’re going through a lot of changes at work … and the boss is relying on me to offer up my thoughts, opinions … and solutions.  I’m trying to wrap my head around that all right now while dealing with a smaller personal puzzle.    Unfortunately, the smaller puzzle has consumed my mind the past two days and I’m finding it difficult to work around it.  I don’t have control over the smaller puzzle.   It is driving me nutz!

My friends and family members know that I am highly emotional – bordering on “Drama Queen” – that’s how I am.  I OWN my title of Drama Queen .. can’t change that aspect of personality.  I am for the most part a loveable, nice hermit who respects and holds her small circle of friends close to her heart.  But when I lose my temper or feel threatened in any way .. I am going to get emotional and defensive.   Full on Drama Queen mode.  I have my moment .. then I stew over the issue for days on end .. then I come to terms with the found solution and move on.  Perhaps I do read too much in to situations .. but that’s me trying to find a logical solution where there is NO LOGIC.  Not enough data = freak out.

We all know as a hermit my social skills are seriously lacking.  Relationships are not my forte – I don’t have anyone to talk things through with – so I often feel alone in the world when dealing with social issues.  I don’t understand the need to run to friends and gossip about others behind their back.  I’ d much rather talk to people one one one and deal with whatever issue there is up front.  Isn’t that what most grown ups do?   So of course when I hear that some are discussing me while I’m not around to join the discussion, I get hurt and angry.   And that’s the problem.  Am I justified in my feelings, or am I wrong in being angry about what are basically false truths and petty gossip?  Do you take the higher ground and turn the other cheek – or do you stand up for yourself and tell people you’re not going to take it any more?   Or do you simply just “get over it” and move on?

I feel that I’m working so hard to fit in with a new group of friends, and they still fight me every step of the way.  I’m putting myself out there for the first time in 8 years to make new friends, I’m more open now than I have been with anyone except Jim.  And I’m not finding it an easy thing to do.   The disappointment is much bigger than imagined and while I don’t want to stop putting my faith in other people .. I find myself retreating back in to my hermit cave.

So yeah .. I am going to get emotional about it.  I am going to feel hurt.  But I will also deal with it in a manner that suits ME.  The loveable, nice hermit who respects and holds her small circle of friends close to her heart.  The Drama Queen who has to go through the emotional process of problem solving.  I’m going to take the high road and attempt to move on.   I’ve just learned what I’m NOT looking for in a friend.  And perhaps that’s the lesson I was supposed to learn from the experience.

{I’m probably also going to stew over it a few more days .. because that’s how I roll ….. }

%d bloggers like this: